Swearsperanto

To stand a Cat's chance in hell of knowing what the shitznitz is going on, you'd better learn these words and phrases:

Mongalow

Where a Bungaloid lives, of course...

Santacist

Someone who fantasises sexually about people in santa costumes...

Milkypants

Relatively self-explanatory. First heard uttered by Jessie May (US Poker expert) and a fine addition to the Punky! Dictionary - thank you, Jessie!

Foxymoron

An intelligent blonde. Savage creation, UK.

Polo Blojo

The ancient art of vigorously brushing your teeth before pleasuring your fella. Expression invented by TPME, Sherwood Forest, Notts

Spearmint clitlick / Spearmint tingler

The ancient art of vigorously brushing your teeth before pleasuring your missus. Expression invented by Paulyb, Sherwood Forest, Notts.

Tuppy

Delightful substitute for the "C" word. Particularly useful when wishing to chastise toddlers. Orig. Northern England.

Cockknockery

Couple of terms for "Cock Knocker" already but we're going to take "Cockknockery" as our own. Basically - "What sort of cockknockery IS this?"

The Pigskin Bus

Euph. Penis. Orig. Daisy, Ventura CA.

Tunatown

Euph. Vagina. Orig. Daisy, Ventura CA.

Turd Cutter

Slightly revolting alternative to "Bum" (UK) or "Fanny" (US) - example usage "Look at the Turd Cutter on THAT!". Orig. Flem Livet, Chicago, US.

DykeMike

The male equivalent of a "Faghag". Invented by Paulyb himself. These are rare creatures. We recommend you watch Kevin Smith's "Chasing Amy" for proof...

Fagbuttons

A gentle term of endearment from the heart of Canada, You crazy Canadanans!

Punkchkin

Apt description of a pocket-sized punk-rock chick who is as likely sit in your lap and purr as she is jump at your head and bite your face off.

Slomo Pogo

It's a slam-dance for the over-30s! Simply bob up and down like a meer cat balancing on a couple of slinkies. You'll gain the admiration of your mature pals AND you won't spill your beer.

Upside-downer

Affectionate term for a "Drinker from the furry cup". Blame Paulyb's father-In-Law for this one.

Snickerdoddles

Carissa reckons this means "Oh My God" in ALL languages. We think she might have made it up...

"A wank-stain on the duvet of society"

Toffee-nosed posho way of calling someone a "Crown" or a "James". We've got Black Cat to thank for that one.

Quim

In general usage but also a great thing to put down in a festive game of scrabble - 45 points on a triple! Go, Grandma, Go!

Slut Rope

An imaginary device used to drag a nightclub swamp monste rinto a simiarly imaginary keepnet

Wanker's Plums

An ailment brought on by excessive "Self-love".

Panhead

Title of a song by a band called "Hayride to Hell" but we think it might be suitable for more general abuse... "Geoffrey! Stop feeding glue to the goats, you panhead!".

Knob Cramp

The only way of describing what happens to a 36 year old man when he gets a VERY strange sensation in his penis. Also now, courtesy of one P. Buttons (Toronto) an insult, as in "Now look what you've done, you 'Knob Cramp'!"

Angry Pirate

A cheeky little expression for a cheeky little sexual manouvre - spaff in your partner's eye, kick them in the shin and watch them limp around the bedroom shouting "Aaaarrrggghhh!". Not a suggestion for a first date...

Flapface

General abuse from Jamie in Brighton.

"You Stanky Little Chuff"

A mild form of abuse reserved for a loved one.

Douche Nozzle

Fairly self explanatory but why you would want to call anyone a "French Shower Head" is beyond us...

Berzerker

Egyptian slang for veiny bang stick. It's normally prefaced by "Mighty" in conversation.

Bungscraper

Far less likely to land you in bother than "Asshole" or the preferred "Arsehole".

"Not the smartest peanut in the turd"

As variations on a theme go, this is nothing short of top notch.

Smacktard

We've come to the conclusion that this is a hybrid of "Smackhead" and "Retard" origin Birmingham, UK and rapidly taking over the globe!

One Way Ticket To Fishtown

Descent into bad mood, accidentally created by Mr. E. Tomorrow, Philadelphia, USA

Jitbag

A fond advocate of the "Hand Shandy" colloquial, Chicago, USA

Affenschwanz

We were originally misinformed about this, believing it to be German for "Monkey dick" - it's not, it's the German for "Ape Tail" but we're still puerile enough to call people it. Regularly.

Shiznitz

Common US way of saying "Shit" without actually getting in trouble off your folks, rather like "Freaking" and "Mofo" (US scaredy cat way of swearing)

Bell End

UK term for purple helmet - the business end of the custard chucker.

Groffossed

exceptionally drunk, courtesy of King Kurt circa 1986.

Gummitwat

We disagree on this one. Tony thinks it's a sticky flange, Paulyb thinks it's a toothless vagina.

Zuffle

The ancient masculine art of wiping your penis on your lover's curtains for no ther reaon than to wind her (or him) up.

Clamjouster

Opposite of a maggot-sized veiny bangstick.

Bled Like A Shot Fox

orig. Mr. P. Gibbons (London) profuse letting of claret.

Shitiot

Mystery omniscient Aerowolf responsible for this one - simple joining of shit and idiot. We don't think it will catch on.

Twatsicle

General term of endearment as developed by a chap called PEZ who we believe to be from Atlantis.

Crotch Goblin

A "genitalia obsessive". We can't remember who tod us this one but it rolls off the tongue...

Uncle Foamy

Octogenatrian Deep South phrase for "The Little Corporal" - example usage "That'll make Uncle Foamy stand up and tap dance!" (Mississippi).

Knight Of The Brown Hole

A medieval "Friend Of Dorothy". Originator? As far as we know - it's a bloke called Doug.

Busier than a one legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond

English translation of an old Cajun expression meaning "A tad frantic".

Crown

Abbreviation of "Crown & Anchor" (Popular name for a pub in England) and Cockney rhyming slang for an enthusiast of onanism.

Goopa! Goopa!

General vocal expression of being in a state of excitement, accidentally created by Paulyb himself and spreading across Cyberspace like a bout of thrush in a ladies rugby 15 changing room.

Aunt Betsy's box

We don't know what it is but it "sure is funny".

Always Looking

A phrase with a multitude of uses (Especially when in Amsterdam). Best when said with ridiculous Dutch accent, particularly after a near miss or fall.

Sack Sandwich

General term of abuse and handy alternative to "bollock baguette" and "Scrotum subway". Introduced to Punky! by a girl from Reading, Berks called Laura.

Queef Cake

Inspirational phrase for a front bottom air biscuit. Can be derogatory or even fragrant...

Prairie Dogging

Is tommy turtle head touching cloth? yes indeedy! I'm prairie-dogging...

Hatchet Wound

A particularly aggressive phrase for the delicate flower that is the female genitalia.

As Red As A Possum's Ass in Pokeberry Season

(Southern, US) Not only are we impressed by the phrase, we are also overjoyed at the fact that those inbreds have actually got a season for randomly prodding fruit.

Kitten Blood

Something new to shout at emo kids when you walk past them in the street. Very important however that you affect a camp US accent of some description when you do it. Don't worry about them hitting you - the worst thing they'll do is go home and write about you in their diary, no doubt in tears...

Kittensub

Even worse than an emo kid... a James Blunt fan!